Prayers I've Never Prayed

I have several book titles rattling around inside of my mind. Friends and family tell me I should be careful about saying them out loud because somebody is likely to steal the title, write the book and make a bunch of money. Well, today's blog is me not being careful. In fact, the title is one of those book titles. The difference is the book would have to be written under an assumed name to protect the innocent, the ignorant and the outright stupid. All three of which might just be me.

Have you ever gone to a "prayer meeting" and sat there listening to public prayers and wondered, "Who are we really talking to here?". When the prayer goes something like, "Dear Lord, You see the need of Brother Jones. He is in the St. Dude's Hospital with severe colon seizures"; Who are we really talking to? Wasn't that just a 2-fer moment where we snuck an announcement into the prayer? Or better yet, how about the "Prayer Breakfasts" where we talk about prayer for an hour and offer up 3 minutes of praying to bless the food?

All that aside, my frustration as a pastor is that I have way too much "rascal-randy" running around inside me when I see certain situations, know too much about what's really happening and then have somebody ask, "Pastor; would you just lead us in prayer about this?" (On a side note: have you noticed how it is the nice Christian thing to say the word, "just" in every sentence? JUST pray.....JUST trust the Lord....JUST do your best.....I'm JUST so concerned?) Anyway, rascal randy runs up into my mind and Pastor Randy has to make a decision.....(by the way, in my internal theater, r.r. looks and sounds like Bugs Bunny and P.R. looks and sounds like Elmer Fud). Got the picture?

Do I let r.r. pray? "Dear Lord. You see the incredibly short sighted decisions these people have made. How, when faced with self-preservation versus sacrifice, they have chosen to do what they want without bothering to ask You what You might want. Now that they are backed into a corner, they need You to bail them out. Please ignore the obvious patterns of bad choices they make. Please step aside from Your Holy Mental Health and be a gigantic codependent Daddy and clean up their mess with the least amount of inconvenience to them so that within 90 days of this time, we will be right back where we started. Amen" (carrot chewing noises followed by a long silence).

Funeral prayers by r.r. might clear the room. "O Lord! This guy was such a jerk! Some folks are here today just to make sure he's gone!" Wedding prayers might get r.r. killed. "Almighty God. This couple is clueless. They're saying 'I do' when they should be saying, 'I duh'." And most of what r.r. would pray would simply get P.R. run out of town and forced into the federal witness protection program in another state. Christians rival the Mafia when they're mad.

That's why prayers are NOT 2-fers where we sneak announcements and gossip into the mix. "Prayer Breakfasts" should be called "Let's Get Together and Eat Too Much and Laugh Alot and Pray Short Prayers at the Beginning and the End Meetings".

Thankfully, P.R. has won my internal debate with r.r. for who gets to pray out loud."Just" please pray for me that I won't let r.r. accidently win someday, open my eyes and look at a room full of church folks loading pistols, sharpening knives and thumping baseball bats in the palms of their hands. At which point, r.r. and P.R, better have legs like Bugs Bunny that spin like blurring wheels and make that ricochet sound running out stage left.