Sources tell us that the secret service agent assigned to Senator John McCain was called away from a local bar to hurry to the side of the presidential candidate at a campaign rally at a community college in Paducah, Kentucky, late last night. Witnesses at the scene have reported that in the middle of the Senator’s speech a man was said to be clapping and cheering “vigorously”.
When Senator McCain’s secret service agent arrived he tells us that he found several audience members surrounding the suspect demanding an explanation for his sudden burst of enthusiasm. Several witnesses complained of “undue excitement” and “a raised heart rate”. Later when this unidentified person was being escorted out of the room by a part time campus security guard he could be heard apologizing and explaining that he had had a second cup of coffee that morning and “wasn’t himself”. One member of the audience humorously commented, "Go ahead, taze him bro". Toxicology tests have not yet confirmed these findings, but little else would explain such behavior.
The official spokesperson for the McCain Campaign promised a thorough review of the Senator’s speeches for any further signs of innovation, inspiration and visionary thought in an effort to avoid similar future outbursts. The Senator himself said, “No one was more surprised than me. Our intra-organizational mantra has been, ‘keep it cool, keep it lame’. We’ve decided to reward our secret service agent with time off for the next week in hopes to have him back fresh and ready for our run through North and South Dakota”.
Meanwhile, Senator Barack Obama expressed his concern and offered a prayer for the safety of his opponent at a campaign stop along the Great China Wall. Several reporters in his entourage were said to be weeping openly.
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